Post traumatic

So I did the entire week of just fruits and veggies, which prepared me for the Master cleanse fast. I didn't do this to loose the weight, but to get rid of the toxins that remain dormant for up to ten years. My sister is in her second round of cancer, and even her doctor said it would be a good idea for her. I know I just said I wasn't in it to loose the weight, but I have to admit, being 5lbs lighter makes me feel stronger, faster, prettier. I would've been happy with ten pounds, even though that wouldn't be healthy. I have the perfect BMI for my age and height, I need to stop judging myself. It's not good.

If you have ever considered doing a fast, I reccomend it. And not for the weight loss, and not even for the whole "removing toxins", but for learning self-control. I didn't realize I ate unhealthy until I was on the fast and recalling all the crazy things I eat in one week. It was disappointing. I have to tell you though, I was on the brink of depression while doing this fast. It turns out, if you take the food out of your life, there isn't a lot to look forward to. I'm not sure there is a whole lot of anything to look forward to normally though. But that could just be "Sunday Shannon" talking. I call my blog "40% chance of Shannon" because I never know if I will be me today. Within minutes I can let my thoughts take over, and then Shannon is as good as dead. My thoughts lead me to my past, and my past is a battlefield. Once I go there, it's hard to see past the bullets, and debri.

Sunday Shannon seems to go there more than any other day of the week. Which is strange, I like my job, and mondays are usually really good days. But Sundays feel...lonely. They feel foriegn or like an assasin, they creep up on me in a layer of black. I think what makes Sundays so bad, is that I have no one to pretend to. I am alone most of the day, and I know it sounds sad, but sometimes I need someone around so I can pretend to be happy. Usually after a few minutes of pretending, I lay down the gun of my past and step back into the present.

Can you have post traumatic stress forever? Like when things that you can't speak of happen to you, do they ever leave?

I recreate desicions in my mind, I dig up the past with a rusty shovel. Each time I bring it up and take myself there, I try to manipulate my memories and my past. It never works. My memories are stronger than I am. I try to tell myself that If I had just been a good person, nothing bad would have ever happened to me. I try to tell myself, that if my mother had not been a bad person that I wouldn't have had that same fate in store. Like she can not repay all of her sins, so the reaper put the load on my shoulders so that I would suffer in turn making her heart break for my trails. Well, I wasn't born into that type of family, her heart does not break when mine breaks. As a matter of fact, everytime I show weakness, it seems to make her even stronger. It seems to make my past stronger as well. So I can't show weakness, I must remain numb to my feelings.

I should have taken medication when all of these things happened to me. I don't advocate drugs, but if I had them, I wouldn't constantly feel so weighed down with pain. Pain is heavier than a elephant, but makes your body as frail and light as a feather. It'll get better tomorrow, I just have to make it through this day. The little engine that...could