The pursuit of happiness

If I don't get a certain amount of endorphins everyday, I feel empty. Granted I have gotten better at coping after all these years, but it still hurts inside. It's frusterating to know that I have to do a certain amount of exercise or have a certain amount of human interaction to not feel depressed. I used to think it was sunlight, but I've gotten plenty today. It's infuriating to not know anything for certain, to be dissatisfied with life and the way things are in life and the world. I need control. Or a rush. When I get a rush, I'm good for a few days. A rush is easier to obtain than say actual happiness. The pursuit of happiness is an unhappy one.

I'm a nanny

My girls sing show tunes, their favorite is the sound of music, and they get that from me. They are beautiful, intelligent, and so much fun. Going to work and most days having a three year old wrap their arms around you and say "Can I hug you Shanny?" or a two year old who is potty training "Are you proud of me?" is one of the most marvelous feelings in the whole world. I feel amazing knowing I taught a child that, or that they grow up with a silly trait of mine, such as the show tunes bit. They love me and I love them, but it's hard raising children you can't keep nor get attached too. Well I'm attached.
Being in the "child care" profession, you have to learn a little humility. I sing about peeing on the potty, scrub poop from the rug, do someone elses dishes before coming home to my own, and basically have zero control over anything in the house. My opinions, religious views, or political status doesn't matter when I walk through the door at 7:30 am. When I walk through the door, I'm no longer a girlfriend, daughter, or have a problem in the world. At 7:30, I am a bubbly mess of mother, sister, child, and mostly friend to my three year-old-twins, two year old, and the only boy who is a whopping 11months old. I forget about the fights I have had the night before, and the exam due on Monday, because there is breakfast to be made, songs to be sung, walks to be had, and I have got to start thinking of new science projects for the twins.
But, being a nanny is not all hugs and laughs. When you work for people who can afford a nanny(or three) you have to realize that the children will be as equally spoiled as the parents. I work for a mom who doesn't like to hear her children cry(and who would)and rewards their screaming fits with food such as skittles, gummies, Reece's, granola, and chocolate milk. If you know two-year-olds, you know that it is the age of testing boundaries and a lot of  "no", but when your co-nanny tells her to "please put the stick down, it is too big and sharp" and she throws herself on the ground for forty-five minutes straight, that maybe something is missing(or needs to be added). There has been a lot of tantrums this week. Fortunately you can step back and realize, it isn't their fault. They have no structure or discipline in their lives, and we are not aloud to implement it by any means.
All in all, despite having a set of twins boss me around between 30-38 hours a week for two years, it is pretty great. When my life goes south, and nothing seems to be going right, their faces brighten my world. Sometimes it's easier to be at work than it is at home, and I'm grateful for that.
My intelligent Asian Von-trap children are a huge part of my chaotic little world, and I love it.

Morality Vs. Laziness

I'm tired of promises and our government in general. Why is it that Obama thinks handing us "free" things and having more people on welfare and food stamps will make people happy and help this economy at all?! We need to rehabilitate America, reward the hard workers and self made man. Not reward people who won't work because they can't find the right job for them. I can't tell you how many of my friends are without work because they don't want to, don't have to, or they simply refuse to work in the food industry or get a pay cut. A job is a job, and work is work. Have you no self-respect? If you believe in sin, you know that pride is one of the seven deadly sins. Where will your pride get you in life? Maybe you think it will get you people's respect? Well, you're wrong, people are cruel, they will find some reason to dislike you. It starts with our children! We are raising lazy wimps. Children see our society sue McDonalds because their coffee is hot, that if you don't want to work, the government will take care of you, and that you shouldn't respect anyone or anything anymore. America is filled with immorality, and it is a disease that won't stop growing. I can't say that I'm a good example of morality, or am a pillar of religious strength, but I know that most marriages end in divorce, that in general people are only looking out for themselves, and that the media makes sex, drugs and partying the end all in our sad little lives. What happened to family? What happened to book clubs and family soft ball teams as opposed to kindles and NCAA on the XBox? I love technology, and hate it all the same. I would love to receive love letters instead of texts. I would love to send Christmas cards instead of Facebook albums. Sure technology is making my life easier...but maybe my life shouldn't be easier. Maybe I learn more through strife. I have been thinking of babies lately, because at my age, everyone starts having them. I think of how pretty they are and how pure. I think that I would want one someday soon, but how? How can I do that to a child? It's such a scary world, and it's not getting better. You can't raise your child a captive in your home, they won't learn that way, but can I send them out in the world and hope they have enough self-esteem, and self-worth to make all the right choices? God knows I never had the self-worth to do anything right. To spoil or punish, to push or to hold on. It mind be easier to just never have a baby. I think that people, throughout time, kill themselves, not because they are cowards, but as one final act of defiance. Saying "my existence is the one thing that I can control" and even that isn't true. You say you're going to kill yourself, and you get locked up on someone else's dime. I suppose everything is bothering me today. It bothers me that my life can't truly ever amount to anything big enough to be remembered. It bothers me that I look forward to nothing but small, minute details that don't contribute to society at all. I'm sorry I'm not a happy little peach, I will be more aware of my negativity in my next post:)

Love is distracting

Even though Scott and I have been together for 4 years I still can't get any work done when he's around. It makes me sad when he's gone, but I get more work done, and even exercise harder. He got back into town Saturday and I've done nothing productive since. It's a good thing and bad I suppose. I only work 4 days this week, because I'm trying my hand at American Idol. It involves me waking up at 3 am on Friday to do so, and I can promise you I'd rather be at work for half a day and then go home to relax. What people don't get about American Idol preliminaries is that you aren't in front of the Judges you see on TV...NO NO they have to weed out a zillion people and THEN send a handful to Hollywood. No pressure, just be the best, of the best, of the BEST. I wouldn't like fame as much as I would just like to be on the show. I miss being a ham on stage, it is one of the very few things I'm any good at. Anywho, send your luck my way this week:)

My world as seen in Sucker Punch

I spent a week avoiding math, and confronting my problems. Now it's time to push back my self-centered sorrow and go back to work. I try to remember what was on the dry erase board last week, but I can't, I just hear my little teacher with her Russian accent and bad grammar. I'm so distracted with my problems, then there is the color run next weekend and American Idol after that. That's a lot to prepare for. I should be running, or singing, or DOING HOMEWORK. Why can't I?
I hate to see what would happen if I took up caffeine, or even drugs for that matter. I'm already an unfocused little disaster.
Scott told me once, that he thought I couldn't take drugs because of where my mind goes on a normal basis. Some place dark. He said I'd be one of those people that came off a "high" and shot myself, or cut off an ear.
Have you ever seen Sucker Punch? It is by far one of my favorite movies, because I connect to it on a personal basis. My mind distorts the present, and even my memories. People from my past will tell me stories about myself, and I can't ever remember one. I erase the bad and put in a filler, make myself a heroine. The problem isn't the bad, the problem is the worst. The worst of my memory will come up over and over. The tiniest thing triggers it. A mattress on the floor without a bed or box springs, being on stage triggers a lot of bad, but most of all, smells. Smells are the strongest sense tied to memory. Axe deodorant, and cheap cologne. I can't stand all the memories. The people.
This is why I can never concentrate, my vivid imagination.
"Don't touch me" I constantly want to tell people.
But over the past few years, I've slowly taken down some of my walls. I can hug people now, and sit closely to people whom I trust. I still get fidgety when I am heading into a big crowd, or upset when I'm not able to leave a situation I don't want to be in.
For the most part I am trying to love. It doesn't come easy for me like you see in movies or read in a Nicholas Sparks novel. I'm afraid, and assume that someone is either out to get me, or to use me. It's a scary world we live in.