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My enternal organs feel heavy, They fight to keep up with my mind, Which is racing and pacing, And sending signals to my eyes On the off chance I wasn't blind. Because if I were, I'd have an excuse For running in circles And wasting my youth. It's hot and it's sticky, It's Oklahoma heat. It drives you crazy, And it makes you weak. You dust the dirt from your knee's From learning to pray But you deny He's your God The very next day. I eat and breath The anger I sow I water my future But the seeds won't grow. The pain is always welcomed At the door. But the loneliness isn't invited, There is room for no more.

Sharing is Caring

Stressful past couple of weeks, we had a new girl start at work who is already pushing everyone around, I have zero down time anymore with school and my new work schedule, and I haven't seen my boyfriend alone in the same amount of time. Everytime we try to see eachother one of  us had errands to run, homework to do, family to see, or exercising. I feel like the older i've gotten, the more I enjoy my free time, but this is making me feel pretty cranky and bummed, and I have never felt so distant from him.
I guess after four years things start to become less romantic. I guess I figure because our relationship started backwards and has been getting forward, that we would start sharing everything together. But a man's idea of sharing is hey "you buy this raft and we'll do shit I want". I feel like I try so hard to accomodate his sporty side, and I am one of the girliest girls ever. I keep waiting for it to be my turn. But the cold hard truth is if I want happiness and If I love him I have to make happiness for myself. So my gift to myself is getting back on the stage horse and auditioning for American Idol next month. I am not delusional, I don't expect to be a star...But it's nice to feel important. I grew up being the center of anything, and seeing as how highschool and my parents never prepared me for the real "no one cares about anything you do" world, it's depressing. It's like all of Scott's family and friends think he's gold, and i'm stuck in his shadow, because I gave up on everything I love.
I know I love him, and that I'm just mad right now, but LOVE IS HARD.

My inner "bad girl".

I go to work and read children's stories and play hide and seek, then I head to school and take notes, go home do homework, and fall asleep around nine. Being so young, I still have so many child-like urges. Ever since the heat in my hometown started to stick a few weeks ago, I have been a different person. During the day I wear sweat pants and look studious at the front of the class, but at night I dream of cheap pleather, Mohawks, aSexy nd motorcycles. I look through my closet in search of a tight mini-skirt, but instead find knee length dresses and tee-shirt shirts. When did I get so boring? Don't you ever want to go downtown, and when you and your boyfriend are leaving the bar he slams you up against the brick wall of the alleyway and then it starts to pour and your clothes get all see through? I know, I live in a fantasy land. But why is it so important for me to be so prude all the time? Because of my town? Because of my religion? Because I'm almost 25 and I need to grow up? I guess I've always been such an introvert, and deathly afraid of people my own age and socializing with ANYONE, that sometimes I get a little crazy with my ideals. I wish my life was more intense, spontaneous, and sexy. But instead I have to plan everything and analyze even the shortest of dialogue. It's like a drug, summer...makes you want to be all sorts of bad. I have the potential to be a very good bad girl, and a very sweet angel. I wish I were one or the other, but I fall in the middle, and in the winter I want to wear cardigans and join bible study and in the summer I want to pull a "flash dance" and just be dancing and sweaty ALL DAY LONG. What's wrong with me?