I spent a week avoiding math, and confronting my problems. Now it's time to push back my self-centered sorrow and go back to work. I try to remember what was on the dry erase board last week, but I can't, I just hear my little teacher with her Russian accent and bad grammar. I'm so distracted with my problems, then there is the color run next weekend and American Idol after that. That's a lot to prepare for. I should be running, or singing, or DOING HOMEWORK. Why can't I?
I hate to see what would happen if I took up caffeine, or even drugs for that matter. I'm already an unfocused little disaster.
Scott told me once, that he thought I couldn't take drugs because of where my mind goes on a normal basis. Some place dark. He said I'd be one of those people that came off a "high" and shot myself, or cut off an ear.
Have you ever seen Sucker Punch? It is by far one of my favorite movies, because I connect to it on a personal basis. My mind distorts the present, and even my memories. People from my past will tell me stories about myself, and I can't ever remember one. I erase the bad and put in a filler, make myself a heroine. The problem isn't the bad, the problem is the worst. The worst of my memory will come up over and over. The tiniest thing triggers it. A mattress on the floor without a bed or box springs, being on stage triggers a lot of bad, but most of all, smells. Smells are the strongest sense tied to memory. Axe deodorant, and cheap cologne. I can't stand all the memories. The people.
This is why I can never concentrate, my vivid imagination.
"Don't touch me" I constantly want to tell people.
But over the past few years, I've slowly taken down some of my walls. I can hug people now, and sit closely to people whom I trust. I still get fidgety when I am heading into a big crowd, or upset when I'm not able to leave a situation I don't want to be in.
For the most part I am trying to love. It doesn't come easy for me like you see in movies or read in a Nicholas Sparks novel. I'm afraid, and assume that someone is either out to get me, or to use me. It's a scary world we live in.