I was rotten to the core in my late teens. I had just moved out for the first time, and no longer had my mother controlling my dating life. So of course I went through a strand of meaningless, incompatible relationships. When I was nineteen, I dated a man from New York, he was a sports doctor, and very much Italian. His, what can only be described as a mansion, was on the same street as the guy who invented the Nintendo. My first time meeting him, he had a limo pick me up at the airport, and answered the door with another fellow doctor. I remembered thinking "Who the hell do I think I'm kidding? I can't be with a man who has ACTUAL lion statues in the front of his house!". He was always very kind, and very much a gentleman. He would take me out to these dim, fancy restaurants with a group of different people every time, no one ever asked for my ID, and he would always order for me. I have to admit, even as I'm getting older and bitter, it feels nice to be paraded around and catered to. Alas, like most things, my guilt got in the way. I didn't love this man. He wasn't ever going to be around, he was older, smarter, stronger, and wealthier. I couldn't do this to him. Not only was I just not interested in his slight arrogance, but I am a complete mess that he'd never be able to keep up with mentally. Our little fling lasted about two months tops before he started talking about marriage and I walked out the door.
I bring this up, because lately as I'm struggling, and hurting, I think of me being unhappy with him, but physically taken care of. Isn't that already fifty percent better than I am right now? I'm not saying that I would ever consider dating someone with money again, but the reason I broke up with him, is that he didn't have the time for me, and didn't understand my emotional needs. But I realize now that no man will support me emotionally unless he is gay, or an IT nerd who doesn't leave the house even for groceries.
I don't support it, but I understand how women could be lesbians. Women listen, women struggle, women hurt and deal. Women get abused, and discarded. Women Care.
I'm sure there are men out there who care, but they are few and far between. Men get confused, assuming that women want a Latin lover, a muscle man, or a wilderness explorer...But they are wrong. I could care less about your muscles, or your new polo. I'm not going to drool over your big truck, or latest catch, and I don't find it impressive if your number one in the random online game you play. I care that we can fight for the same beliefs, I care if you treat me with care and see when I'm hurting, and most of all I care about spending time together, conquering the world together.
I fight the world alone.