You almost have to say something on 12-12-12

People say spring is the time of love, and I beg to differ! What is winter without sharing a blanket, some hot chocolate, and a soft whisper with someone you adore? Winter is a time of glitter, and lights, and cookies! Big sweaters that make you look fat, and hibernating with the bear of your choice. I like to choose a papa bear, who gets irritated when I smoosh the bread, and humors me as I cry to the worst chick flick imaginable.

I've spent the longest time letting winter get the best of me. Not this year. Cinderella will not turn into a snowman this year, I will continue to be a princess all the year round. A sloppy, emotional, tights wearing princess; but a princess all the same.

Today is 12-12-12, and I am grateful for my time.

The people in my life that truly care about me are indescribable! Although I'm not the most popular girl, and the people I speak of are a small handful, they have enough love to light up my heart for many lifetimes. Friends who talk, friends who make me laugh, friends who simply listen to my sad pathetic life. I am so lucky.

I wish love could drive the world like hate. Love can be more powerful than any feeling, but it doesn't have the stamina of hate and sadness. I think Christmas (weather you celebrate it or not) brings out the best in people.People who give their last penny to make someone smile, people who preform a work of art. If you listen, you can hear music in the distance, and weather you are alone or not, someone loves you. I love you. I want to adopt the world and tell them stories of hope. Simple wishes of a simple girl on this December morning.

"I am in love with you. I have been since the first day I called on you. There are many things in your character which cure me. I prefer to tell you and I have done well, and now that I have I will suffer much less when you show me the door. But the truth is that I suffer, and my strength is wanting"
- Alfred De Musset

"I need a daddy" syndrome

I was rotten to the core in my late teens. I had just moved out for the first time, and no longer had my mother controlling my dating life. So of course I went through a strand of meaningless, incompatible relationships. When I was nineteen, I dated a man from New York, he was a sports doctor, and very much Italian. His, what can only be described as a mansion, was on the same street as the guy who invented the Nintendo. My first time meeting him, he had a limo pick me up at the airport, and answered the door with another fellow doctor. I remembered thinking "Who the hell do I think I'm kidding? I can't be with a man who has ACTUAL lion statues in the front of his house!". He was always very kind, and very much a gentleman. He would take me out to these dim, fancy restaurants with a group of different people every time, no one ever asked for my ID, and he would always order for me. I have to admit, even as I'm getting older and bitter, it feels nice to be paraded around and catered to. Alas, like most things, my guilt got in the way. I didn't love this man. He wasn't ever going to be around, he was older, smarter, stronger, and wealthier. I couldn't do this to him. Not only was I just not interested in his slight arrogance, but I am a complete mess that he'd never be able to keep up with mentally. Our little fling lasted about two months tops before he started talking about marriage and I walked out the door.

I bring this up, because lately as I'm struggling, and hurting, I think of me being unhappy with him, but physically taken care of. Isn't that already fifty percent better than I am right now? I'm not saying that I would ever consider dating someone with  money again, but the reason I broke up with him, is that he didn't have the time for me, and didn't understand my emotional needs. But I realize now that no man will support me emotionally unless he is gay, or an IT nerd who doesn't leave the house even for groceries.

I don't support it, but I understand how women could be lesbians. Women listen, women struggle, women hurt and deal. Women get abused, and discarded. Women Care.

I'm sure there are men out there who care, but they are few and far between. Men get confused, assuming that women want a Latin lover, a muscle man, or a wilderness explorer...But they are wrong. I could care less about your muscles, or your new polo. I'm not going to drool over your big truck, or latest catch, and I don't find it impressive if your number one in the random online game you play. I care that we can fight for the same beliefs, I care if you treat me with care and see when I'm hurting, and most of all I care about spending time together, conquering the world together.

I fight the world alone.

"I hope you don't mind"

A lot of times our hearts are out of sync, yours tends to beat fast, and mine runs off machines. Then there are the rare times when my heart sings, yours listens, and when yours is tired, mine beats for it. It's beautiful. Our hearts do a better job of telling our  love story than we ever could. I'm too negative for narrative, and you're too crass for poetry, but we try to make up new kindnesses. Not bouquets, or candle lit dinner. Love is quieter than that. Love is a whisper, a secret you so desperately want to tell. It sits on the tip of your lips and outlasts the day until you can meet him again.

My heart is strong. It desires, and wants, and feels everything so intensely. When love is stripped from it, there is nothing else to dream of, nothing left for hope.

But it's only out of sync briefly. A few skips of the heart hasn't killed me thus far, nor you for that matter. A skip of the heart reminds us what it would be like if we didn't have each other to live for. First there is denial, then pain, then finally, you panic before you go cold. There has been a few times I thought resuscitation wouldn't come, and that we couldn't be saved. But you have a good pair of lungs, and I have the fight to survive.

It sounds terrifying, and sometimes it is. I don't claim to be a good lover, girlfriend, or wife, but I try. Trying and hoping is all the future could ask for. You know we'll be okay. I know little of hope, but your happiness helps me. It's a good life source for a steady beat. I never had a common love story.

I never had a common anything, and that's wonderful. I love you,

I love your love.