Recent photography from the last few months! :)

Always hard to say goodbye

Third down on the list of people I absolutely adore, is my step-father. He has been the only positive male figure that stayed in my life, and loved me through the hard times. He had a saying when I got into trouble when I was younger, that eventually just became a family joke. He would smirk and say "Why do you keep doing it to yourself, why do you keep coming back for more?". We used to think it's funny, but now I would just say it was foreshadowing. I spent my teenage years ignorant, and cruel, and because of that I feel like when someone tells me I do something they don't like, I correct my life for them. I wish I could have an "in-between button", but I don't. And because I don't, that is why this will be my last post here.

I will still write and will find another site to blog on, because I can't live with a lot of these feelings inside, but it still hurts, this blog was my baby. I love everything about it, it is my home away from home. If I'm being vague, it's because I'm not alone on my blog anymore, too many eyes upon me. It's my own fault, you don't tell the people in your life that you have a blog, that's very stupid. I will continue to look up and see this as yet ANOTHER life lesson, so thank you for listening.

If you are one of the few who do listen out there, be sure to email me, and I will tell you the location and address of my new site when I find one. Shannonbeautie@yahoo.com

Love always-
               Shannon

Post Christmas pictures and Bliss

Still a little Ice on the road (and in Oklahoma, that means NO travel to any place). So I would like to Share some of my Christmas photo's :) My Family, the snow, cookie pops I made, just a bunch of silly-happiness.

Happy Holidays prt 2

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I'm a happy girl.
My sister left the house to live at Dad's when she was thirteen, I was five. So for most of my life I was raised as an only child. So with that mindset, my friends were teddy bears, the cats and dogs, and everything in the house was mine, I had never shared. So growing up, I wouldn't say I was spoiled, I never got new clothes, or candy or toys, but the things I had we're MINE. I've always been too possessive. Especially with spending time with people, I want it to be one on one, I don't like sharing the attention.

I wasn't happy then. Over the past couple of years, I've learned that giving and sharing makes you feel more love than taking and owning. I've learned that I will have pain, I will be sick, and I will be disappointed in the world. But I think as my spirit has gotten happier and my heart has gotten stronger, I could be useful to the world. I've learned that children growing up now are rejecting religion because its forced by parents, and when that happens, you get the opposite effect. I've learned that we should stop taking and taking from each other and our government. We need to humility, and gratitude. I can't even describe how lucky I am to have people that care. I may get frustrated than in 3 weeks I turn 25 and I haven't graduated and I'm still living in a tiny apartment, BUT I could have it worse, oh geez, so much worse. I've been in worse places, and seen worse people. There is always a hope in this crazy world.

This Christmas, I live like a queen, with electricity, a roof over my head, and people that love.

Thank you , and God Bless us all this Christmas Day and every day after.

Sickly

So I caught a cold from the kids I nanny. Took care of them while they were sick, and now I'm taking care of myself on the weekend, blah. Worth it, but still a pain. Well, I have today and tomorrow to recover, and then I work forty-two hours in four days this week. I just have to say, in this sad time, that although children can be a handful, they really are a blessing! I hear a lot of whining, and fits, but  they love me and I adore them. I feel for Connecticut, and hope they can find a way to see the good that is still out there. Trying to make the best out of this time, and I can't wait for family and Christmas.
          Keep the Cheer(and the DayQuil)

You almost have to say something on 12-12-12

People say spring is the time of love, and I beg to differ! What is winter without sharing a blanket, some hot chocolate, and a soft whisper with someone you adore? Winter is a time of glitter, and lights, and cookies! Big sweaters that make you look fat, and hibernating with the bear of your choice. I like to choose a papa bear, who gets irritated when I smoosh the bread, and humors me as I cry to the worst chick flick imaginable.

I've spent the longest time letting winter get the best of me. Not this year. Cinderella will not turn into a snowman this year, I will continue to be a princess all the year round. A sloppy, emotional, tights wearing princess; but a princess all the same.

Today is 12-12-12, and I am grateful for my time.

The people in my life that truly care about me are indescribable! Although I'm not the most popular girl, and the people I speak of are a small handful, they have enough love to light up my heart for many lifetimes. Friends who talk, friends who make me laugh, friends who simply listen to my sad pathetic life. I am so lucky.

I wish love could drive the world like hate. Love can be more powerful than any feeling, but it doesn't have the stamina of hate and sadness. I think Christmas (weather you celebrate it or not) brings out the best in people.People who give their last penny to make someone smile, people who preform a work of art. If you listen, you can hear music in the distance, and weather you are alone or not, someone loves you. I love you. I want to adopt the world and tell them stories of hope. Simple wishes of a simple girl on this December morning.

"I am in love with you. I have been since the first day I called on you. There are many things in your character which cure me. I prefer to tell you and I have done well, and now that I have I will suffer much less when you show me the door. But the truth is that I suffer, and my strength is wanting"
- Alfred De Musset

Happy Holidays

Downtown In December Oklahoma City :)

Fuzzy, but always so clear

He never acknowledges the ticking time bomb that is heard in never-land
The youth giving out one last cry for help.
I feel my youth, persuasion, and intelligence draining from me by the hour.
I feel my pain come and go through the charade.
I'm a good sport,
And an even better actor.
I'm a bad liar,
And even worse lover.
Truth be told,
I wasn't meant for the life of love,
I am a caged bird, a sleeping beauty, a lost soul.
I hurt and I sing.
There is a part of me that still holds onto life,
That part that convulses in the night.
My  dreams take me away and make me feel. Make me see.
Is it that hard to live like you?
Is it that hard to be real?

A letter to a kindred soul

I received a book in the mail today, that one does not just buy themselves. Deep down I am a romantic, but I don't buy into this modern sex appeal and swift love. I want deep old fashion love, filled with subtlety and private meanings. Anyway, nine of this is important to this post, but I believe a thank you is in order, and how else to say thank you, but by a quote of the gift.

"Do not believe that I have ever failed to appreciate you; to think that would be to wrong me; for it would imply that you thought that I know not how to appreciate that which is devoted and noble. "
Napoleon the III, 1845

:)

Should You give money to the homeless?

I'm a recent citizen of the "big city" (nothing is truly big in Oklahoma), and moving from a small town to a big city, I'm new to the world of the U.S homeless. I don't know what is accurate, about the homeless as I hear so many things. I pulled up to a stop light this morning and there was a dirty man in his forties holding a sign saying he and his family needed help, and my heart sank. As I pulled away and saw him in the rear view mirror I remembered the four one's I had in my purse. I thought "what if he truly did have a family that needed my help. Kids? A wife counting on him? How often do the homeless lie about there status? Should I feel guilty about my life? I just don't know. I'm assuming I'll feel guilty either way, but what are your views or experiences.

Poem about my lawyer(I know, I'm odd)

My lawyer says he's proud of me,
Old man with a brand new heart.
We are strangers,
But kindred torn apart

He keeps his hearing aid
In a jar of artichokes,
And his faith
Made me cry and gave me hope.

Being thankful

I realized today that because I use my writing to vent, that I don't sound like a very happy person, but today I will try to change that. What I'm about to say may sound bitter and not as happy as Im trying to make it out to be, but know that I truly mean it when I say I'm thankful, It is a new day and I'm alive;walking, breathing and smiling, but I would like to take a second and reflect on how many times all this could have ended.

I'm thankful my father saved me as a baby, when I could have suffered shaken baby syndrome, I'm thankful my sister walked into the bathroom when I was a baby and under water in the bath tub, I'm thankful for her again when she saved me from choking on a particular brown peanut M&M when I was five,and when I was six, my step father saved me from drowning in some rapids after I fell off my tube, and when I refused to get back into the water, he graciously walked with me the entire stretch of river. I'm grateful that at the age of thirteen when I tried to swallow a bottle of 409 bathroom cleaner that I promptly threw it up, and that when I was cutting myself with scissors and knives that I never cut too deep. I'm thankful for the night in eleventh grade when I sped across town and ran every red light at 80mph, I could have died or killed another person. I'm thankful I had Matt when I skipped my senior prom and tried to drown myself. I'm thankful for my mistakes that allow me to grow stronger and see a broader perspective. Without all those people in my life who saved me, and without the grace of God, I would not be here today, and while sometimes in my life I don't enjoy the choices or paths I have to take, at least I'm here to see the few beautiful up days and the strengths of the wonderful people around me.

Thank you God for keeping me alive, when it would have been easier to let me go:)

Young Republican, in a sea of Liberals

I put my pearls in to clean today, both things sooth my naturally cranky disposition. However, today with the election results sinking in, I'm a little more bitter than usual. I'm getting more and more aware that I'm not going to shake this generational retardation that I have forever grown up with. The same ones that followed the crowd and spent their time seeking attention from designer clothes and living off mommy and daddy, are now attempting to wear hemp and attend music festivals to prove their love for the environment and how they have soul. That is the liberal I know. Having your money, belongings and destiny handed to you gives you no right to dictate what the hard working people of this society are trying to do with our country. I'm tired of people voting because of one issue. I think giving is a wonderful thing, but I also think if you worked hard your whole life and came into money on your own, you should get a break. The sad thing is, if the poor were in the position that they came into money they would change their views. Mine haven't differed. I struggle with finances, but I work, and go to school, so I can get a better career and live comfortably. What society is telling me is that when I get to that point, I should give ALL of my money to the poor because they didn't have the same opportunities that I have? That's bullshit. I'm a white female, and while that probably meant something ten or twenty years ago, the tables have turned. I receive no minority scholarships, or handouts because of my race. You say one thing about what's happening in the U.S right now and you are racist. I tell people I don't believe in gay marriage I'm spewing hate. I don't beat up on or hate gay people, I don't attempt to make them feel bad, but they do the same to me. If Hobby Lobby and Chic-Fa-Le have their own beliefs, they are ignorant, and hateful. However, gay pride parades happen throughout the U.S. and there are even businesses that support that, do I refuse to shop or eat at these places? No, because telling them they can't believe and feel what they feel IS ignorant, and because Liberalism is on the trend in society I am the devil.

I have always tried to defend my beliefs, even when they get me into trouble. In college, I had a huge falling out with my peers for two reasons, one being the only person defending a strict professor. Two professor's at my school had it out for each other, and in an immature act, had the students stand out to defend them. The professor that let minors over to her house to have parties, and drink, and who gave easy A's in class had over fifty kids come to her aid. The other professor who had hard courses and was deemed a grumpy old man, had me. Needless to say, she pushed him into retirement, and everyone lived happy and partied on. My voice counted for nothing that day, as it did yesterday. But sometime doing what's right makes you look bad, makes you unpopular, or even makes you "old". In conclusion to my raving, don't do what makes you more agreeable, no one cares if you were popular in whatever afterlife you believe in.

Cloudy with a chance of showers

My youth destroyed me. I was so loved and doted upon, called beautiful and taken care of by whoever was near. If I hadn't had all that, it wouldn't hurt so bad to be nothing now. I mean I'm nothing. Sure I'm a daughter, sister, friend, and girlfriend, but it feels empty. The last four times my sister called me it was about presents she wanted me to buy her, her boyfriend, and her son. Mom is basically bipolar, she spent my entire youth not in existence, and not that she doesn't have to take care of or deal with me, she adores me. As for being a friend and a girlfriend, I think a lot of that is just a mask for me not being lonely, them not being lonely. Life is stagnant, and hurtful. It's bills and mental abuse. Empty goals and cold homes. I distract myself from the way I feel by playing games, and pretty clothes. Nothing seems worth it. Not school, not work, not the future. I just want to be done with school so I can apply to work in the peace corps and be out of this for two years. Maybe I'm just having a bad day, but sometimes I think "This is the real me, and the rest of the time, I'm being drugged by possessions and endorphins". I miss addiction. It was the one thing I could count on.

Pop Culture? What happened to Rock Culture?

When you turn on the radio, you get computer generated noises with bleach white smiles sitting in the recording studio's doing little to no work. What happened to Rock? What happened to full blood talent? To black and white romance instead of "vampire diaries"? Simplicity and talent got confused with a clump of spoiled brats and gangsters talking into a microphone. I hear most of these "chicks" and the new-found men who look like chicks sound horrible live, and the ones that don't, they have enough money to bring along their massive sound machines to make them sing on key.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=n4nPa35CZPI
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Rbm6GXllBiw

Lake City, Colorado

We headed to the highest peak in the San Juan mountain range, wanted to see what 14,000 feet looked like. Didn't quite make it, but got a work out looking for it.

Something new in September...

On accident I'm trying something new every weekend in September! The first weekend, I did grape stomping, the second, "Pole fitness", the third I can't really talk about, and next weekend is my sisters 32nd birthday so we are going to a trampoline gym with a ton of built in floor trampolines and foam pits. I'm adding picture, some are funnier than others lol.

Fiction. Not done.

"Are you going to shoot?" my friend looked at me like I was crazy, I had been eyeing a man in pleather pants since he walked in.
"Sorry" I bounced my ball against the side of the pool table and it went right back to the middle. I think my best friend Maggie assumed I had spaced out, I would never be caught staring at a man wearing not even tacky leather, but PLEATHER. He wasn't an attractive man, looked like a dead beat and failed musician from the Flock of Seagulls era.
"Listen, can we please go grab a drink, we have been playing for fifteen minutes and the exact same amount of balls are on the table" I looked down at our sad display of athleticism, and headed toward the bar.
We sat down in the middle of open seats so as to stay "available" and I leaned purposely and eaegerly over the bar to get the bartenders attention. He never asked what we wanted but simply tapped the bar as if we were regulars, I shyly went with a rum and coke while my Maggie went with her usual, a White Russian. Ever since she's seen the movie The Big Labouski, with her Ex she thought that a White Russian was a drink that would get a man's attention. I tried explaining to her that men seldom drink Kahlua, and that it does not make her a "bad ass", but she prefers to talk instead of listen.
We were in the middle of a conversation on her recent obsession gone vampire to wolves when he came and sat down right next to me. I stopped listening to Maggie and tried to look annoyed by his presence. He turned his body to me and just smiled in a very smug way, no words, just that stupid god-awful smile.
"pleather pants...really?" I decided to be the bigger person and break the silence
"I'm environmentally friendly, these are my 'save the cow' pants". His humor bugged me, his arrogance was insulting, and his style choices made my skin crawl. However he was the only source of entertainment aside from my grueling conversation on, witches? Oh I already forgot.
"I wouldn't have come here if I had known they just let anyone in" I tried to hide my delight in my flirtatious insults, but I think he knew he had me the minute he walked in.
"I come here a lot, but you knew that didn't you?"
"I haven't seen you in two years, I hardly go around plotting where you'll be boozing it up and embarrassing yourself by looking like a fifteen year old trying to rebel.
"I miss you" I was speechless. I couldn't throw any banter, I couldn't even breathe. "Stick around, I think you'll like the next show."
As he walked away, I replayed the conversation in my mind. Do I miss him? How could you miss someone with no ambition or future? Easy I suppose, the men with ambition treat you like shit, and he treated me like a goddess he so badly needed to win over. I heard Maggie talking in the background asking questions about the 'smelly man I had been talking to', but I was in a room halfway across country over four years ago.
"Tell me what you want?" His smoldering eyes were locked with mine and his hands grabbed my face. "I'll do anything"
"Make me hurt" I said softly, and before I could blink I was being thrown against the wall.

In the absence of writing...

I like the city. It's big and lonely, and people here are cold, sounds horrible, but it suits me. Back home where I grew up, I have the pressure of my family to be their savior. To be the child who saves them, who makes all the money to cure all their unhappiness's, and to be classy and beautiful the entire time. To have faith, but to be strong. To keep love, but never let a man hold me down. Here in the city I can make my own dreams, to not have my mistakes blown up at Kinko's on a poster board for the entire town to gossip about. I don't even know these people I graduated with, how do they have time to gossip about me. It's depressing to go out in your hometown. The same people every night. The only people left from your class are the ones who have had children, or that have done so many drugs they can't move anywhere else for fear they won't have any "connections" for pot, or worse. I blend in up here, I'm left alone. I like being left alone, to have my own thoughts, and my own emotions. To have my own dreams, and have room to make mistakes.

Everyday when I come home I walk past the first apartment on the first floor, and I smell the coconut from her home. I couldn't pinpoint the smell, until Scott assured me it was coconut. I've always preferred the smells of foods to the headache that I get from floral scents. The woman who lives there makes me sad. She had a black eye last week, and her boyfriend looks like the type to have done it to her. He's bald, likes to have a beer constantly in his grips, and looks as if he thinks he's the "big man on campus". Men like that repulse me. Usually when you have doubts and insecurities it's a sign you're human, and humanity is hard to come by in the world we live in.

My cousin got into a car accident two weekends ago. She had just got into nursing school and was starting a new job on the Monday after, so she went out with her friends to celebrate. She got extremely drunk and ran into a tree. She has been through several surgeries since, and her and her mother have to go into physical therapy. I haven't always been a fan of my cousin, and she hasn't always made the best decisions, but she was TRYING to turn her life around. I know about mistakes, and I also know about trying my hardest to go forward and being pushed further away by the current. Ever since I've heard of her wreck, I have been tense in the car, worried that one wrong turn or one idiot not looking when he switched lanes would leave me paralyzed. I don't know if my cousin will be able to walk, but I do know she will get through it with the help of all her loved ones. I couldn't do it, my mind would check out, and my body would never recover. I pray for her healing, and that her daughter will be taken care of in her absence.

Dreams

Another one of my oh-too-real dreams. It's never the dreams you want to be vivid, it's the unlucky horrible, dying, falling, teeth falling out kind of dreams that seem to get published in my mind. In my dream we were all in the same house all these bad people in one house, and then Scott was there, occasionally trying to save me. My unconscious knows how to hit me where it hurts. Day turned to night in my dream world and he crept into my room while no one was looking. He dragged me by my foot, out of the room and my REAL body felt all of the tension and horror. Scott came in several times putting the monster back to his room and putting me into my own, but he kept reappearing until   morning, trying to take the last ounce of good inside of me and replace it with more of the nightmare memories. I got through the darkest night inside of my dream, and when I "awoke" I was surrounded by these skeleton dolls and figurines. Why did he leave these behind? Reminding me that he succeeded in destroying me,and that I will always have these skeletons in my closet? Scott wasn't there back then. I had no protection.

I'm awake and uncomfortable. I feel stiff and sad. Usually my active imagination has no effect on my day, but this is doing a number.