Being thankful

I realized today that because I use my writing to vent, that I don't sound like a very happy person, but today I will try to change that. What I'm about to say may sound bitter and not as happy as Im trying to make it out to be, but know that I truly mean it when I say I'm thankful, It is a new day and I'm alive;walking, breathing and smiling, but I would like to take a second and reflect on how many times all this could have ended.

I'm thankful my father saved me as a baby, when I could have suffered shaken baby syndrome, I'm thankful my sister walked into the bathroom when I was a baby and under water in the bath tub, I'm thankful for her again when she saved me from choking on a particular brown peanut M&M when I was five,and when I was six, my step father saved me from drowning in some rapids after I fell off my tube, and when I refused to get back into the water, he graciously walked with me the entire stretch of river. I'm grateful that at the age of thirteen when I tried to swallow a bottle of 409 bathroom cleaner that I promptly threw it up, and that when I was cutting myself with scissors and knives that I never cut too deep. I'm thankful for the night in eleventh grade when I sped across town and ran every red light at 80mph, I could have died or killed another person. I'm thankful I had Matt when I skipped my senior prom and tried to drown myself. I'm thankful for my mistakes that allow me to grow stronger and see a broader perspective. Without all those people in my life who saved me, and without the grace of God, I would not be here today, and while sometimes in my life I don't enjoy the choices or paths I have to take, at least I'm here to see the few beautiful up days and the strengths of the wonderful people around me.

Thank you God for keeping me alive, when it would have been easier to let me go:)

Young Republican, in a sea of Liberals

I put my pearls in to clean today, both things sooth my naturally cranky disposition. However, today with the election results sinking in, I'm a little more bitter than usual. I'm getting more and more aware that I'm not going to shake this generational retardation that I have forever grown up with. The same ones that followed the crowd and spent their time seeking attention from designer clothes and living off mommy and daddy, are now attempting to wear hemp and attend music festivals to prove their love for the environment and how they have soul. That is the liberal I know. Having your money, belongings and destiny handed to you gives you no right to dictate what the hard working people of this society are trying to do with our country. I'm tired of people voting because of one issue. I think giving is a wonderful thing, but I also think if you worked hard your whole life and came into money on your own, you should get a break. The sad thing is, if the poor were in the position that they came into money they would change their views. Mine haven't differed. I struggle with finances, but I work, and go to school, so I can get a better career and live comfortably. What society is telling me is that when I get to that point, I should give ALL of my money to the poor because they didn't have the same opportunities that I have? That's bullshit. I'm a white female, and while that probably meant something ten or twenty years ago, the tables have turned. I receive no minority scholarships, or handouts because of my race. You say one thing about what's happening in the U.S right now and you are racist. I tell people I don't believe in gay marriage I'm spewing hate. I don't beat up on or hate gay people, I don't attempt to make them feel bad, but they do the same to me. If Hobby Lobby and Chic-Fa-Le have their own beliefs, they are ignorant, and hateful. However, gay pride parades happen throughout the U.S. and there are even businesses that support that, do I refuse to shop or eat at these places? No, because telling them they can't believe and feel what they feel IS ignorant, and because Liberalism is on the trend in society I am the devil.

I have always tried to defend my beliefs, even when they get me into trouble. In college, I had a huge falling out with my peers for two reasons, one being the only person defending a strict professor. Two professor's at my school had it out for each other, and in an immature act, had the students stand out to defend them. The professor that let minors over to her house to have parties, and drink, and who gave easy A's in class had over fifty kids come to her aid. The other professor who had hard courses and was deemed a grumpy old man, had me. Needless to say, she pushed him into retirement, and everyone lived happy and partied on. My voice counted for nothing that day, as it did yesterday. But sometime doing what's right makes you look bad, makes you unpopular, or even makes you "old". In conclusion to my raving, don't do what makes you more agreeable, no one cares if you were popular in whatever afterlife you believe in.

Cloudy with a chance of showers

My youth destroyed me. I was so loved and doted upon, called beautiful and taken care of by whoever was near. If I hadn't had all that, it wouldn't hurt so bad to be nothing now. I mean I'm nothing. Sure I'm a daughter, sister, friend, and girlfriend, but it feels empty. The last four times my sister called me it was about presents she wanted me to buy her, her boyfriend, and her son. Mom is basically bipolar, she spent my entire youth not in existence, and not that she doesn't have to take care of or deal with me, she adores me. As for being a friend and a girlfriend, I think a lot of that is just a mask for me not being lonely, them not being lonely. Life is stagnant, and hurtful. It's bills and mental abuse. Empty goals and cold homes. I distract myself from the way I feel by playing games, and pretty clothes. Nothing seems worth it. Not school, not work, not the future. I just want to be done with school so I can apply to work in the peace corps and be out of this for two years. Maybe I'm just having a bad day, but sometimes I think "This is the real me, and the rest of the time, I'm being drugged by possessions and endorphins". I miss addiction. It was the one thing I could count on.

Pop Culture? What happened to Rock Culture?

When you turn on the radio, you get computer generated noises with bleach white smiles sitting in the recording studio's doing little to no work. What happened to Rock? What happened to full blood talent? To black and white romance instead of "vampire diaries"? Simplicity and talent got confused with a clump of spoiled brats and gangsters talking into a microphone. I hear most of these "chicks" and the new-found men who look like chicks sound horrible live, and the ones that don't, they have enough money to bring along their massive sound machines to make them sing on key.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=n4nPa35CZPI
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Rbm6GXllBiw

Lake City, Colorado

We headed to the highest peak in the San Juan mountain range, wanted to see what 14,000 feet looked like. Didn't quite make it, but got a work out looking for it.

Something new in September...

On accident I'm trying something new every weekend in September! The first weekend, I did grape stomping, the second, "Pole fitness", the third I can't really talk about, and next weekend is my sisters 32nd birthday so we are going to a trampoline gym with a ton of built in floor trampolines and foam pits. I'm adding picture, some are funnier than others lol.

Fiction. Not done.

"Are you going to shoot?" my friend looked at me like I was crazy, I had been eyeing a man in pleather pants since he walked in.
"Sorry" I bounced my ball against the side of the pool table and it went right back to the middle. I think my best friend Maggie assumed I had spaced out, I would never be caught staring at a man wearing not even tacky leather, but PLEATHER. He wasn't an attractive man, looked like a dead beat and failed musician from the Flock of Seagulls era.
"Listen, can we please go grab a drink, we have been playing for fifteen minutes and the exact same amount of balls are on the table" I looked down at our sad display of athleticism, and headed toward the bar.
We sat down in the middle of open seats so as to stay "available" and I leaned purposely and eaegerly over the bar to get the bartenders attention. He never asked what we wanted but simply tapped the bar as if we were regulars, I shyly went with a rum and coke while my Maggie went with her usual, a White Russian. Ever since she's seen the movie The Big Labouski, with her Ex she thought that a White Russian was a drink that would get a man's attention. I tried explaining to her that men seldom drink Kahlua, and that it does not make her a "bad ass", but she prefers to talk instead of listen.
We were in the middle of a conversation on her recent obsession gone vampire to wolves when he came and sat down right next to me. I stopped listening to Maggie and tried to look annoyed by his presence. He turned his body to me and just smiled in a very smug way, no words, just that stupid god-awful smile.
"pleather pants...really?" I decided to be the bigger person and break the silence
"I'm environmentally friendly, these are my 'save the cow' pants". His humor bugged me, his arrogance was insulting, and his style choices made my skin crawl. However he was the only source of entertainment aside from my grueling conversation on, witches? Oh I already forgot.
"I wouldn't have come here if I had known they just let anyone in" I tried to hide my delight in my flirtatious insults, but I think he knew he had me the minute he walked in.
"I come here a lot, but you knew that didn't you?"
"I haven't seen you in two years, I hardly go around plotting where you'll be boozing it up and embarrassing yourself by looking like a fifteen year old trying to rebel.
"I miss you" I was speechless. I couldn't throw any banter, I couldn't even breathe. "Stick around, I think you'll like the next show."
As he walked away, I replayed the conversation in my mind. Do I miss him? How could you miss someone with no ambition or future? Easy I suppose, the men with ambition treat you like shit, and he treated me like a goddess he so badly needed to win over. I heard Maggie talking in the background asking questions about the 'smelly man I had been talking to', but I was in a room halfway across country over four years ago.
"Tell me what you want?" His smoldering eyes were locked with mine and his hands grabbed my face. "I'll do anything"
"Make me hurt" I said softly, and before I could blink I was being thrown against the wall.